


Hide Behind These Scars of Mine

by Jessi_aka_pyro



Category: Game Grumps, Good Game (TV 2017)
Genre: Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Depression, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Rated m for subject, Ry is an angry boyo, Ryland wump, Subtle rylex, not smut, past self harm
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-18
Updated: 2018-01-18
Packaged: 2019-03-06 08:23:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,210
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13407279
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Jessi_aka_pyro/pseuds/Jessi_aka_pyro
Summary: Sleeve talk was definitely a taboo.





	Hide Behind These Scars of Mine

**Chapter 1**

 

Sleeve talk was definitely a taboo. At least from what Alex could tell. As long as he’d known Ryland, the man had always worn long sleeves. And though he had never commented on it, Alex had watched numerous people ask about them, when he managed to drag Ryland into the public eye, only resulting in Ryland shutting down faster than ever and immediately wanting to leave. So it didn’t exactly take a genius to figure out it was a touchy subject. And… well. From the little Alex knew of Ryland’s past and childhood, he had his suspicions.

 

He was content not to know though. That was Ryland’s business. It wasn’t like Alex had shared every secret detail about himself with his roommate. And so long as Ryland was  _ Somewhat _ content with his current living situation, then who was Alex to dredge up old memories. Everyone had scars, and not everyone was proud of them. So in turn of Ryland’s obvious discomfort, Alex gave him his space when something like that might be exposed. In the first few weeks of living together, it was obvious Ryland was hiding them. He’d stand at odd angles while doing the dishes, he’d pull his sleeves tight over his hands when reaching up for something, cut holes to hook his thumbs through when cooking in case something slipped. After the gears started turning, Alex quickly decided not to force Ryland into any more discomfort and usually made some excuse to leave the room, allowing Ry to breath a little easier.

 

He was such a quiet and sensitive guy. The last thing Alex wanted to do was make him uncomfortable and feel the need to hide himself. And in turn, Ryland left him alone about most things. So long as Alex helped around the house and appeared with an occasional odd amount of money, who was he to complain. It was nice. They had a groove. Ryland’s presence helped Alex feel balanced, as Alex’s presence helped Ryland feel secure and grounded. It worked for them. At least, until other factors were added to the mix, unbalancing their carefully constructed equation.

 

It had been an accident of course.

 

The team had been over to watch a movie. A sort of “Congrats on winning that last match, if just barely!” party. Sam and Ash had overtaken the couch, Kamal on some weird box thing he found, Lorenzo, living up to the lawful good person he is, had pulled over his gaming chair and curled up in it with a blanket. Leaving the two residents of the apartment to lean against each other, up against the couch.

 

It was nearing the end of their second movie when Ryland slumped against Alex’s shoulder. He couldn’t help laughing lightly at the sudden weight, causing Kamal to look over at them. He barked out a laugh, snapping a quick photo, an annoying, “Gaaayyy,” said as he did it. At a negative look from Lorenzo however, Kamal shrugged, adding on, “Not like in a bad way. Just Gaaayyy Ya know.”

 

Rolling his eyes, Alex smiled up at Lorenzo, trying not to shift too much to wake his roommate.

 

“Hey you guys, I think this movie night is coming to a close. I should get Ry to bed. He’s got work tomorrow.”

 

Everyone mumbled their agreements, mingled with yawns and stretches, but Alex tuned all that out. He was focused on the peacefully sleeping Ryland on his shoulder. Shaking him slightly, Ryland groaned and stretched against him, earning another laugh from Alex.

 

“Five more minutes,” he mumbled, but Alex was shaking his head, shaking Ryland’s upper arm slightly.

 

“Nu uh, man. Gotta get you to bed. Come on, up!”

 

It was then that everything went to shit however.

 

With a dramatic yawn, Ryland groaned out a long, “Fiiiiine,” Stretching his arms high above his head. Not really fully awake however, he hadn’t yet registered that his apartment was currently full of people, and as his left sleeve slipped down to his elbow, the right just half way down his wrist, Lorenzo let out a loud gasp, pointing at the recently exposed skin.

 

“Oh my- Ryland! What happened!?”

 

Ryland frowned immediately, letting his arms fall to his lap, staring confusedly at Lorenzo.

 

Alex shook the shock from his face and laughed nervously, casting glances between his friends. “Uhhhh It’s fine! Why don’t you go home, Lorenzo? It’s late!”

 

“But- His arms- Ryland, what  _ happened _ ?” That seemed to snap Ryland out of it. His confused expression immediately shut down to cold detachment as he pulled his arms to his chest. Alex’s chest clenched up as he noticed the sleeves held tightly in Ryland’s closed fists. “Nothing. Don’t worry about it,” He spat out, not looking at anyone. Alex tried to place a hand on his shoulder, a quiet, “Ry, don’t,” escaping his lips, but Ryland pulled away from him with a hard flinch.

 

“Hey, what’s going on?” Sam interjected, Ash frowning behind her. She was staring intensely at Ryland. Alex couldn’t see Kamal, but he hoped to some higher deity that Kamal didn’t see.

 

“Nothing!” Alex answered, as Ryland looked determinedly away. He stood up suddenly, keeping his movements controlled and close to him, turning away from the group. “I’m going to bed,” He said in an empty tone, fleeing to his room. Only Alex could hear the pure  _ terror _ and  _ hate _ in his voice. He bit his lip, standing up to go after him, but Sam grabbed Alex’s arm, stopping him.

 

“Alex, what the hell? Is Ryland okay? Lorenzo, what happened?”

 

“He- he just- his arms are so  _ bad _ . Is he gonna be okay?”

 

Alex rubbed at his forehead, with a heavy sigh. “He’s  _ fine _ you guys. I’ll talk to him, okay? Lemme just- Go home. No practice tomorrow.” He turned to leave again, but Sam stopped him once more, getting a frustrated groan from the man she was holding back.

 

“Don’t just- Dude! Seriously! Give us something! What happened, what is Lorenzo talking about?”

 

The longer Alex was away from Ryland, the more frustrated he felt. Ryland was alone and upset, and probably spiralling right now and Alex was dealing with this shit. He opened his mouth, ready to really be mean, but Ash cut him off, with a look to Sam. “Hey! Sam, we’ll worry about it later, okay? Right now, Alex needs to go talk to him. Us being here isn’t going to help. So  _ Let’s go _ . Kamal might steal your car soon if you don’t leave anyway.”

 

Sam bit her lip, but after another look towards Alex, she nodded. Ash turned her glare onto Lorenzo, who nodded as well. “I see how my exclamation might have upset Ryland. But I’m still concerned as to what happened, can’t I just-” 

 

“No!” Both Alex and Ash shouted. Lorenzo jumped, holding up both hands. “Alright! No need to shout.”

 

Ash quickly ushered the other two out to the front door, though as she reached it, she turned around, hoping to speak to Alex, but the other was gone, presumably to his roomates room. She shook her head, gears turning. “I hope he’s alright,” she muttered to herself, shutting and locking the door behind her.

\-------

The moment the focus was shifted, Alex bolted. Luckily he was used to moving on light feet so it appeared no one noticed.

 

Rather than knocking, Alex pushed his ear against Ryland’s door and felt his chest clench up again. He heard muffled breathing and a light  _ thump thump thump _ . He knocked lightly, hearing a louder  _ thud _ and muttered,  _ shit _ from inside. Other than that however, Ryland didn’t answer.

 

Alex jiggled the doorknob, letting Ryland know he was entering, and slowly pushed open the door. The room was dark, littered with dirty clothes. Alex could just make out the top of Ryland’s head, between the wall and the bed, bent over and facing the ground. A soft, “Hey,” slipped from Alex’s lips as he shut the door behind him, foregoing the light.

 

After a few minutes of silence, and giving Alex enough time to cross the room, standing nervously at the foot of the bed, Ryland whispered, “Are they gone?” without looking up. His usually tied back hair was down and puffed out in messy balls, slowly sliding back down into its usual straight pattern, as if Ryland had been pulling at it recently. Alex’s throat tightened up slightly as he crouched down to sit on his knees in front of his friend.

 

“Yeah buddy, they’re gone.”

 

They both fell into an uneasy silence. Both trapped in their heads. Alex didn’t know what to say. Despite his happy and friendly attitude, he often found himself lost amongst conversations that ran deeper than your base emotions. Especially when it came to Ryland, his own emotions regarding his friend muddling up and scaring him away. He wanted to help him, but… How? What do you say in this sort of situation? Normally when Ryland started to get down, Alex would suggest something stupid. Like a weird obscure game, or an impromptu living room karaoke battle. This wasn’t the right scene for that though. Not in a darkened room, Ryland so motionless and pale. Alex scared and on the verge of tears. He didn’t know what to do, he didn’t know how to help. He couldn’t even reach out and grab for him. Ryland was weird about touching on the best of days.

 

In his musings however, Ryland broke the silence with a cleared throat, though he still didn’t look up. “Lex, I’m fine. You can go.”

 

Alex gulped, knowing the last thing he wanted to do right now was leave. “But, Ry. I can’t just-”

 

“Alex, I said I’m  _ fine. _ You don’t have to- babysit me or some shit. Don’t worry about it.”

 

His frown further embedding itself into his face, Alex shook his head, sitting more comfortably. “Ryland, please. Talk to me? I- I understand you don’t want to but… I’m worried, man. Please?”

 

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

 

“Ryland,  _ please _ . I just want to help.”

 

Standing up with a huff, Ryland climbed over the bed, Alex quickly following behind him, and opened the door, holding it open beside him. Ryland narrowed his eyes at Alex, gesturing towards the hallway. “You want to help? Pretend this never happened. Just drop it, Alex.”

 

But Alex heard the shake in his voice. Ryland was  _ scared _ . Alex knew it. Though he never imagined he’d hear Ryland use that tone on him before. Alex walked towards Ryland, eyes soft and compassionate, using slow movements as not to freak him out. “ _ Ryland _ ,” he tried once more, standing in front of him. Alex placed his hand over Ryland’s, which was clenching hard onto the door. Ry flinched slightly but Alex ignored it, moving until they were a foot apart and those two hands entwined. “Please? Just… Give me something? Let me stay with you tonight. I can’t- I’m sorry tonight happened. You’re my best friend, man. Don’t you trust me?”

 

Looking away, Ryland tried to step back, but realised he’d gotten himself cornered. Alex squeezed his hand, causing Ryland to clench his eyes shut, breathing hard.

 

Alex desperately wanted to reach out to him. Scoop his friend into a tight hug and never let go, protecting him from every potential danger. But he refrained, finding it difficult but doable, keeping their contact to just their hands. He did however, Lower his head slightly to fail at attempting to meet Ryland’s closed eyes, trying his hand at words of comfort. He felt guilty for pushing Ryland this far. He still didn’t believe he should leave, but maybe it was better for Ryland mentally if he didn’t tell Alex what was going on. He’d tell him when he was ready, right?

 

Alex rubbed his thumb along the side of Ryland’s hand, humming softly. “Hey. Hey, man. It’s alright. I’m sorry I pressured you. You don’t have to tell me anything. I was just worried. I-”

 

Suddenly Ryland’s form shuddered and hunched forward more, his long hair shrouding his face. Alex didn’t need to see however, to know the man was crying. The sudden gulping sobs were give away enough.

 

“Ryland!?” Alex exclaimed, eyes wide. He wasn’t expecting this! He really didn’t know what to do! He attempted to pull his hand away, assuming that was the trigger, but Ryland held it tighter, gripping the bottom of Alex’s shirt with his other hand. He shook his head, sniffling harshly, failing to wipe his face on his elbow.

 

“A-Alex, I’m- I’m sorry! I- I-” Alex shook his head, giving in and pulling Ryland to his chest with his free arm, combing his fingers through Ryland’s long hair. He went without a fight, collapsing against Alex, only to cry harder.

 

“Shh, hey, hey dude. Ry, it’s okay. Don’t be sorry.”

 

“But- But they saw and- and they think- I’m a fr-freak now and-”

 

“No, Ry. Not true. They were worried. They just-”

 

“But Loren- enzo yelled and- and he was pointing and- I’m fucking- I fucked up- he saw and-”

 

Alex shook his head again and held Ryland tighter, shushing him before he could continue. “You didn’t fuck up. No one fucked, alright? It was an accident, it’s okay. You’re okay and it’ll get better. Shh, buddy. It’s alright.”

 

The weight of Ryland against him, had Alex slowly sinking them to the floor, but Alex didn’t really care. So long as Ryland was here and they were together. He continued to comfort his friend, shooting down every dispute he tried, until finally Ryland ran out of counter points and just cried, heaving into Alex’s shirt with heady gasps for much needed air. It hurt Alex more than he expected to witness such a strong figure break down like this, but when he tried to put himself in Ryland’s shoes, he knew this was nothing for him. Ryland had exposed himself involuntarily, and then when used to running, was forced to confront the situation, dealing with all these pent up emotions head on, resulting in the break down. So as Ryland cried against him, Alex kept quiet other than the occasional word of comfort, and continued to rub his back and stroke his hair, encouraging him to get all the tears out. He was determined to stay just like this until Ryland was 110% done. He couldn’t leave him. Not like he was before, and certainly not like he was now.

 

Soon Ryland was sniffling quietly, trembling against Alex's chest, hands spasming as they clenched and unclenched in the material of Alex's shirt. Alex rubbed at his back still, humming softly for what felt like forever. Until Ryland’s warm breath was at a much more even pace and his trembling had ceased.

 

He pulled back slowly, eyes trained on the floor. Alex kept hold of Ryland's clammy hand, his other going to move some of his hair back. He kept his movements slow however as not to startle his friend. Ryland jumped regardless, but still leaned into the touch.

 

“Feeling any better?” Alex asked, hand lingering maybe a bit too long than necessary on the bottom of Ryland's jaw. If the other man minded however, he didn't comment on it, instead shrugging in response, not meeting his roommate's eyes. Alex took a deep breath. He knew it was going to be a long night.

 

Alex let go of Ryland's jaw, but did however take hold of both of his hands, turning them up. He pushed the sleeves up slightly to see the damage first hand, choosing to ignore the way Ryland tensed, hands jerking back just slightly.

 

Alex almost cringed at the site. As much as his body wanted to, he didn't want to give Ryland the impression he was grossed out by him. He traced a thumb over one of the raised white lines that decorated his friend's wrist, high enough to disappear below the sleeve midway up his forearm, and long enough to stretch from each side of the rest to the other. One wrist had significantly more but, they were both scared nonetheless. Alex couldn't look away. He knew he'd seen glimpses but… he'd never imagined it would be this much up close.

 

“...I don't do it anymore if that's what you're wondering,” came Ryland's closed off voice. Alex could practically hear the walls rebuilding. Well that certainly wouldn't do.

 

Squeezing a wrist softly, Alex looked up from the scars to meet Ryland's eyes despite the other man refusing to. He shook his head softly. “That's not what I was wondering. Though I'm glad.”

 

“Why? So you know you're not rooming with a crazy guy that cuts himself for fucking fun?”

 

Alex’s eyes widened a fraction and shook his head again. “I was going to say because I don't want my best friend hurting himself. Hurting yourself because you can't deal doesn't make you crazy, Ryland.”

 

“Yeah, and how would you know? Don't try to relate to me about this. You don't know what it's like.” He pulled his hands from Alex's, causing the other's frown to grow further, crossing his arms insecurely. Alex kept his arms open and inviting. He knew Ryland lashes out when he's angry. He can't take this to heart right now. Despite this though, he couldn't quiet ignore the tinge on his heart from the accusation.

 

“Maybe, maybe not. But I'm still here for you buddy.”

 

“Yeah sure. That's what th-"

 

“If you're about to say that's what they all say, then Ryland I will actually hit you.”

 

Ryland rolled his eyes,crossing his arms. Alex tried not to notice the way Ryland shook subtly. He didn't respond however.

 

Sighing, Alex ran a hand down his face. This was going well.

 

“Ry, buddy. Look. I may not do the same thing that you do but I… I do… do things. Like drink and… yeah. So like. Don't act like I can't relate at all? Because that's just ignorant. No, I can't know exactly what you're feeling but… I can have an idea. And I can be worried about you regardless. I don't like seeing you like…” he guessed vaguely with his hands, though Ryland just shrugged, looking away.

 

“Seeing me be so pathetic?”

 

“Sad,” Alex finished. “I just wish I could make you happy.”

 

“Yeah well, maybe I'm not something that can be  _ fixed _ . Maybe I don't want to be happy!”

 

His jaw clicked shut and Ryland shot to his feet, Alex not far behind. “Ryland… why don't you-”

 

Ryland shook his head hard, hand on the door behind Alex. “Can you leave now?” His voice was cold as eyes glared daggers. Alex swallowed thickly.

 

“i-i’m sorry. Ry, I was-”

 

_ “Alex, go. Please.” _

 

Alex stared at Ryland's eyes, shivering slightly at the steel within them. He hated how he could see all of Ryland's walls shooting back up. He swallowed thickly as Ryland looked away.

 

“Right,” he whispered, if a little harshly. “Sorry I care,” he spat out, turning on his heel and leaving the room. Alex pretended not to hear the loud thumping that resumed on the back wall. Just as Ryland pretended to not notice the intense smell of weed filling the apartment just moments later.

  
Alex really shouldn't have asked.

**Author's Note:**

> Ahhhhh I'm sorry. I might make a second chapter idk, but as of now this is the ending. I just was having a bad night and felt like projecting I guess. I hope people like this?? I miss rylex. What a good ship.


End file.
